The Art of Imperfect Action Chapter 2: Recover from Perfectionism
Chapter 2: Recover from Perfectionism
Want to be happy? Stop trying to be perfect. – Brene Brown
I call myself a recovering perfectionist. The reason I call myself this is because for the longest time in my life I thought that I needed to look a certain way, act a certain way, and be a certain person in order to be seen as successful. Now I realize that I really was setting myself up for failure by thinking that way.
Have you ever wanted to be perfect in some area of your life? In reality, none of us are perfect. Nothing is ever going to be perfect. The situation is never going to be perfect. You’re never going to feel perfect. Trust me, the timing to start _________ (fill this in with whatever your next project is) will not be perfect. It’s never the perfect time to start chasing your goals. Some of the best advice I have learned from mentors and through studying successful people is that taking imperfect action leads to success. All success comes from daring to begin. There is no perfect person, relationship, business, book, diet, car, vacation, or family. Doesn’t that make you feel a bit better? I’m not suggesting that you be reckless in your decision making. It’s important to make educated decisions and take action on big decisions and projects. I’ve made it a practice in my life to run my ideas through my advisory committee, which includes some of my close family members and mentors. They help me avoid wasting time and energy on bad ideas.
Once I had rid myself of the idea that I needed to be perfect in order to be seen as successful, I had an “aha” moment in my life. That’s the day I recognized that I could start taking imperfect action. I could start doing all those things that I had been waiting on, things I had put off until everything was perfect. I don’t need to have all the answers in order to just get started and take imperfect action. All I really needed to learn was how to practice trusting myself and my own decision-making abilities in order to move forward in a meaningful way in my life.
How many times in your life have you stopped and waited for everything to be perfect in order to take action? I know there are many people that wait their entire lives to take action in some area of their lives. Guess what? They never really accomplish anything. They get into their middle years or later in life, and they recognize that they missed out on so many opportunities because they waited too long. They waited for all those perfect conditions. One day this person wakes up and recognizes that life never turns out perfectly. There is not a perfect opportunity. I wish that opportunities came with a list of the benefits and negatives or that we had the ability to see into the future to see the outcome of making decisions, but this is just not the case.
I know that I was setting myself up for failure in many areas of my life with the idea that I needed to know all of the answers. I was doing it in my career. I was doing it for my health and fitness. I was doing it with my family and in my relationships. I was doing it in my appearance. I was doing it in my friendships. I was doing it in all of these different areas, and it wasn’t fun. It actually felt terrible. One day one of my friends pulled me aside and said, “Allison, I know that you’re trying to be perfect. You’re trying to hold it all together and be this perfect person all of the time. But, guess what? No one wants to be around someone that is perfect all of the time. Allison, you need to stop that. You need to stop trying to impress everybody. This person I’m talking to right now. You’re being real and you’re being authentic and you’re being your true self. You’re amazing. That is the person that I love and that is the person that everybody loves. When you’re trying to be perfect, people recognize that, and they can see right through it.”
I remember that day and how terrible I felt. I thought to myself, “Here I am, failing again.” I lacked the self-confidence to be my authentic self. I lacked the self-confidence to show people who I really was. I had been telling myself stories for so long about how I was not good enough that I believed them. I was my own worst critic, and it wasn’t good.
Today I feel so blessed to have this friend in my life. She had the ability to tell me something important which I really needed to hear. I still can picture her in my mind talking to me. That was a turning point for me. On that day, I found that I needed to stop worrying about what everybody else was thinking and just start taking imperfect action. That was the day I started recovering from my perfectionism. I needed to just start being myself and stop worrying about impressing others. I needed to intentionally surround myself with people who loved the authentic version of me.
Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection. – Mark Twain
For the longest time, I thought I needed to be the perfect wife, mother, friend, be in the best shape, have a master’s degree, and do things perfectly in order to be successful. What this caused in my life was in action because I was making it almost impossible for me to fail. In order to be successful, you have to fail and fail often. As I studied successful people, I realized the one thing that they had in common with each other was a failure. They failed often. Then the successful people would use what they learned from that failure to improve and try again. It looks like this:
Failure to Success Equation:
FAIL > LEARN > IMPROVE > TRY AGAIN
FAIL > LEARN > IMPROVE > TRY AGAIN
FAIL > LEARN > IMPROVE > TRY AGAIN > SUCCESS
This process is often referred to as failing forward. If you are a recovering perfectionist like me, you need to stop it! In order to be successful in any area of your life you need to start failing and making mistakes. You need to figuratively get your hands dirty. Start taking imperfect action toward your goal. Staying in perfectionism mode only keeps you stuck.
As soon as you start working toward some crazy huge goal, it’s likely that you won’t “feel like it anymore.” I’ve heard this excuse from so many people. It goes like this: you come up with a crazy huge goal that you’re excited about. Then you start to take small actions toward the goal. Then you start talking to friends or family that can’t understand why you would want to risk anything to do that crazy huge goal. Fear and doubt seep into you, and you somehow think that because you feel the fear and doubt that you don’t “feel like working toward your goal.” If this happens to you, I want you to ask yourself this question about whoever criticized your goal, “Do they have what I want?” Are they living a life that you admire? Have they accomplished a goal similar to what you’ve set for yourself? Are they leading a life of significance? If you answer no to any of those questions, perhaps they are not the best person to ask for advice. Think about it. If you want to get results, you need to learn from people that want the best for you. You need to surround yourself with brilliant people that are striving to be the best version of themselves.
Ask yourself: What is one imperfect action that I could take today toward my goal?
Six steps to help you recover from being a perfectionist
1. Identify the areas of your life where you want to be perfect. I wanted to have a perfect career. I wanted to be seen as the go-to person in whatever industry I worked in. The funny thing about this is that I recognize that I have had a lot of different opportunities in my career that have all taught me so much. I would have never had these opportunities if I had stuck with my original “perfect” idea of my career. I know that I would have never become a serial entrepreneur. I would have never worked in a non-profit where I learned about leadership development and how to work in teams. If I had held onto my initial ideas, I would have never written this book! When you are looking at what you’re doing in your life, you need to identify those areas where you have been trying to be perfect. In order to move forward and to take action, we need to have a clear picture of where we are in our lives.
Where in my life have I needed to be perfect?
- Is it in my career?
- Is it in my relationships?
- Is it in my family life?
- In my health and fitness?
2. Discover your goal.
Later in the book, we’ll work specifically on goal setting, but I want you to start thinking about discovering your goal. I’m letting you discover it because I know some people automatically will have a goal they are working toward and some people will not. Or, perhaps you’ve reached a majority of your goals and now you’re trying to figure out what’s next. Here are some questions that will help you discover the goal you’ll be taking imperfect action toward.
- What is one thing that excites and scares me at the same time?
- What goal would give me the most fulfillment?
- If I chose one thing in my life to improve, what would it be? Why?
- What would an extraordinary life look like for you? Who would you be with? What would you be doing? Where would you be? How would it feel? Why is this important to you?
3. Believe in yourself!
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right. – Henry Ford
Today I want you to really believe in yourself! Belief in yourself is critical to your success in any area of your life. I’ve actually written an entire chapter on this topic, but I want to introduce you to it now. If you start off already knowing that you are going to succeed, then you will succeed. When I was at a low point in my life and I was trying to be a perfectionist, I did not believe in myself or my abilities. Each and every time I started anything new, I let ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) in my head. Here is an interesting exercise. I’d like you to think about the worst scenario of chasing your goals and dreams. Imagine taking that risk and losing everything. You lose your house and your car and have no money left. What now? Are you destined to be homeless living under a bridge somewhere? I bet not. I bet that you would find a different opportunity. You’d find temporary housing, transportation, and hope. I bet that within a rather short period of time you’d be doing better than before. So, why is it that many of us let our fears dictate what we can or can’t do in our lives? We let these false beliefs about ourselves and our abilities almost paralyze us. If you want to do, be, and have more in your life, you have to recognize the risks involved, make rational decisions, and then take imperfect action. I’ve found that most people do not believe in themselves enough to trust their ability to make the right decision. Most people ask others to help make their decisions, and many of the people giving them advice have not done what they want to do. Don’t take advice from people who are not doing what you want to do. It’s much better to trust yourself and your abilities. You already know what you need to do. Believing in yourself means trusting your experience, your resourcefulness, and your abilities to do, be, or have what you want in your life.
4. Take baby steps toward your imperfect action.
One way to take imperfect action is to look for the low hanging fruit or the small idea that could move you forward in the right direction.
Ask yourself, “What is the next best step that I can take?”
What’s the little stuff that you could do immediately to have some sort of result? Maybe it’s as easy as writing that first email. Or perhaps it’s just reaching out to that person you need to chat with. It could be setting up that meeting or signing up for a workout class. You may want to start marketing yourself for your new business. Just figure it out, whatever it may be. Many times, we try to set up all of the steps. I used to do it too. I’d say, “Oh well, I’m not at this point in my project yet, so I can’t take any steps.” That was just my excuse to stay stuck.
I learned from my mentor, John C. Maxwell, that we find ourselves through confronting the problems in our lives. So, even those things in your life that seem difficult could be areas where you could start taking imperfect action. Maxwell taught me that you will never find yourself until you deal with that problem. Problems introduce us to opportunities. Opportunities are always surrounded by problems. It goes like this: problem>problem>problem>opportunity. The reason people don’t seize the opportunity is that they don’t want to deal with the problems. But in order to reach success, you must be willing to deal with the problems.
In actuality, you can start taking baby steps toward that goal—whatever it might be. Maybe you need to start today by doing some research or buying a book about the topic of your goal. Maybe you just need to figure out what that thing is that excites and inspires you. Sometimes when we are thinking about taking action, no matter how small, we automatically want to talk ourselves out of doing whatever “it” is. For example, you may have decided to start leading a healthier lifestyle and your first baby step toward that goal is to wake up early and workout. Let me tell you what probably will happen to you. You’ll sleep through your alarm. Your dog will chew up your shoes. Your kids will be sick. Your treadmill will stop working. You’ll have given yourself every single excuse of why today is actually NOT the day to start leading a healthier lifestyle because it seems as if the world is opposing your new goal. Do the one baby step anyway. Go workout. Do it. Each and every time you are trying to make a positive change in your life, you will be met with struggle at first. You will have to overcome obstacles before it becomes a habit. Just understanding this is part of the process and is key to your success.
5. Remember this is a process.
Life is a process. Reaching goals is a process. Many of us overestimate what we can get done in one year, but we underestimate what we can get done in five or ten years. A step in the right direction, no matter how small, brings you closer and closer to achieving your goal. This also results in becoming a better version of yourself in the process. Many of us hold ourselves to a really high standard. When we are unable to lose 20 pounds in a month, have that seven-figure business in a year, or write a book in a week, we think we have failed. Success is built through daily actions. If you set your standards too high, then you tend to be paralyzed by the thought process. You may feel that you need to look like you have a certain type of life. What is the story you’ve been telling yourself that is setting you up to fail? Another good question to ask yourself is, “What do I keep telling myself is the only way that I’ll be a success?” Taking it a step at a time means you are going to have those days that are great and have days that absolutely stink. I’ll repeat: this is a process.
6. Am I listening to my true self or my ego?
If you are recovering from perfectionism, you may have more challenges come into your life than you could’ve ever imagined. You may be tested. The perfectionism that you faced in your life is actually your ego. It’s that voice that says that you aren’t enough and that you can’t, you won’t, etc. Unfortunately, all of us have an ego. Some of us are better at recognizing it and identifying when it’s impacting our thoughts. If you have a difficult time comparing yourself to others or putting yourself down, you may be letting your ego take hold of your mind. The next time this happens, I want you to do this exercise. I learned this from Oprah Winfrey, who was a successful talk show host and owns her own media empire called OWN . Oprah learned this from a yogi from India (Winfrey, 2015). The yogi asked Oprah to lie down and close her eyes. He said that he was going to say some words. He wanted her to imagine the objects and then let them go. He started, “Red triangle, moon, white-picket-fence, etc.” Each time you picture an object and let it go, you are actually recognizing the profound power you have within yourself. These are just thoughts. They are not you. This power will transform how you experience your thoughts. You have the power to observe the thoughts that come into your head and then let them go. If you are feeling negative thoughts, the next time one pops into your head, just note it and then let it go. Try this for one full day. At the end of the day, write down your experience.
How do you feel? I bet you feel more empowered. I know that the first time I did that exercise, I felt lighter and freer than I had felt in a long time. I recognized how often my ego was talking in my head. The ego is that part of your self-talk that compares, judges, and offers automatic negative thoughts, and ultimately keeps you stuck. My ego was keeping me stuck in all areas of my life. With my health, it had me believing that I was overweight. I’m not; I’m stronger and healthier than I’ve ever been. My ego had me believing that I would not write this book. My ego made me believe a lot of false beliefs and stories about myself. I bet when you start to observe your ego, you will recognize that your ego is talking to you a lot. It may be sabotaging your best efforts. It may be keeping you stuck in your comfortable life. As soon as you stop believing the negativity to pursue your greatness, you’ll have a breakthrough in your life.. You’ll start to have amazing life experiences. You’ll start to serve the world in a huge way. Your life will inspire other people to write their own stories, to share their voices, and to become more of who they were meant to be.
Your true self is that whisper within yourself that tells you what to work on next. It is the voice that comes to the surface when you get really quiet. If you want to recover from perfectionism, you need to start to do things that will encourage your true self to emerge. Meditation, praying, and affirmations may help you reach closer to your true self. All that you seek is already within you. Many of us have a false perception that we need to find the answer to what we need outside of ourselves. In reality, we already possess everything that we need within ourselves.
When we fulfill our function, which is to truly love ourselves and share love with others, then true happiness sets in. – Gabrielle Bernstein
I believe in you. I know acting on your dreams may feel scary at first. Especially if you believe you can control everything. I was like that. One day I woke up and realized that I had held onto the false belief that I could control everything. Then one day I woke up and realized that I don’t have that type of power. I needed to let go of all of those false stories and beliefs that were holding me back from becoming who I really wanted to become. My truest version of myself is perfectly imperfect.
Remember: You are perfectly imperfect and that is exactly who you need to be the truest version of yourself.
Copyright 2018, Allison Liddle Consulting, “The Art of Imperfect Action: All Success Comes from Daring to Begin” By Allison M. Liddle